I have been spending time thinking, asking questions, listening to friends, listening to podcasts, and reading to get to the point of declaring my intention for this year. Prior to 2019, I had never considered making an intention, but I also hadn’t planned on living to see 2019. I had spent the better part of 2016 and 2017 in psychiatric hospitals and residential facilities, and 2018 had started out the same way. I had been in two different hospitals for all of March and April as well as the beginning of May. I was discharged with an appointment to see a new therapist, and I believe that was the start of something I wasn’t yet able to see. So, after nearly 8 months of living at home, I decided to choose an intention.

In 2019, I chose to be kind to myself. When I look back at that year, I don’t chastise myself for failing miserably. I didn’t fail miserably. No, I gave it everything I had most of the time, and I SUCKED at it. I can also see how that year of trying to see myself differently provided me with an opportunity to do things differently in 2020.

I wanted to be courageous in 2020, and I think I made two very courageous choices. With COVID-19 keeping the world in isolation, my typical coping skills not quite at my disposal, and my resources low, I was headed for a crash. I knew I was spiraling. My therapist knew I was spiraling. We made the choice to have me go to the hospital. Previously, the choice was made for me, and I would sign the paperwork. I spent three weeks there in March after almost two years without needing that level of care. Then, in November, I knew I wasn’t doing well again. I narrowed my search for facilities down to three when my therapist and I had a much more serious conversation about how I needed a higher level of care again. She made her recommendations, and two of them matched up with what had been on my list. Three days after Christmas, I flew 2000 miles away to Annie’s House in Draper, Utah.

While in Utah, I poured massive amounts of thought into my intention for 2021. With my life turned upside-down (in a good way), I didn’t want to waste yet another opportunity. My intention was to “engage.” Shame had consumed my life, and I wanted to be rid of it. Engaging meant sharing my vulnerability. That was more of a challenge than I thought it would be. Nonetheless, I stuck with it. Boy was I vulnerable at Annie’s House. And when I returned, I shared personal experiences from my time at Annie’s House. I attempted EMDR and shared my “failed” process. I stepped foot into the world of my inner child. It was easily the most rocky year for me, and probably the one that jump-started my desire to understand my SELF.

Understanding SELF meant being curious, and that brought me to 2023. When I look back on this past year, I see some of my greatest progress. That is why I have put so much effort into figuring out what is most important to me for 2024.

I have played with several words, the first of which was “be,” as in allowing myself to be as I am. I thought about what it would be like to accept myself as I am, each part of me, including the eight-year-old and twenty-five-year-old.

But, as I thought about where I am in my journey of accepting myself, I changed my focus to consider the idea of “embrace.” Being, or accepting myself as I am, in the moment, is great, but embracing who I am feels different. It isn’t just, “come in.” It is “I’m so glad you are here. Let me take your coat. Help yourself to the hors d’oeuvres.” Yup, that is very different.

Embrace was a great word, but then I read a quote by Morgan Harper Nichols that said, “Slowly but surely, may you begin to feel more free to engage in the process of learning how to come into the sunlight and just be…coming into your own natural rhythms and growth, one day at a time.” Becoming, by this definition is something I would like to embody.

I sat and had coffee with a friend who recommended a podcast called Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson. The father/son duo discussed the difference between being (where it is that we rest) and becoming (the action we need to take). They talked about how humans often want to have everything so they can do everything to be who they want to be. They suggested that we must allow ourselves to be so that we can do and, therefore, have. So, should I really aim at becoming? Hmmm. I decided I didn’t like that either.

Something happened while I was sitting with all of these ideas. The soccer team I coach with my husband (and kind of a couple others) won a game. “So what?” you say. Well, this team isn’t great, and they have been competing against travel teams that play year-round. These kids don’t even have a place to practice in the off-season. A win is most definitely significant, but what stood out to me was the progress of one particular individual. Only a few weeks ago, we put this petite-sized girl on the field, and she looked terrified. She barely moved from a four-foot square. My husband and I don’t look at lack of skills or weaknesses as much as strengths and potential though, so the week before this win, we stuck her in midfield and watched her RUN. We stuck her back in midfield the following game, and she scored.

Just the other day, I asked my therapist to provide some feedback on a project I am working on. Toward the end of the conversation, she said, “In reality, I saw you and what you ARE capable of.” My husband and I saw what this young soccer player was capable of and challenged her. My therapist has done the same thing for me. What I noticed in both of those situations was this: It was okay to be exactly as we were, and we had the potential to get somewhere beyond that. We can be. We are becoming.

So, while I embrace who I am, I am also going to trust the process and continue to work on living up to my potential. It can be messy. It can be undefined. It can be fast or slow.

I will be. I will become. I will embrace. I will see the potential.