When I think about the last 42 years of my life, I don’t see myself as anything but ordinary. There is nothing special about me or anything I have ever done. As a child, I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I never questioned my dream to help troubled individuals grow, heal, and become successful in life. Then, my own life happened. My own fear and shame joined forces with trauma to turn my life upside down, shake it, and dump me out on the ground in a heap of brokenness. I went from having a master’s degree in counseling and pursuing my licensure to being hospitalized, overly medicated, and suicidal. I went from hopeful and purposeful to hopeless and aimlessly wandering. Looking back, I was probably attempting to heal myself through that education and practice.

I’m on the road to healing now, and I have made progress most never believed was possible. Amid the struggle though, the licensure requirements changed. My degree is no longer valid, so to do what was always my dream would require me to get my master’s all over again. That is disheartening. The cost is overwhelming. The time it takes feels unfair. My son is twelve and has his own future he’ll need help preparing for.

What is missing in my life? Direction. I know I want to have the greatest possible impact on others, but I no longer know what that looks like. It seemed much easier when I was working under supervision to become a licensed therapist, but since that dream isn’t a reality, I hold the passion in my heart with no outlet.

I struggle to look toward my future and determine what is next. I have considered becoming a personal trainer. I have considered getting the proper education to work in national and/or state parks. I have considered working full-time on my writing. None of those things seem doable, but in the words of my therapist, “That’s a you thing.” What she means by that is I am standing in my own way. I live as though I am not good enough. I live as though I never will be good enough.

My conclusion is the same as my therapist’s: That is where the work is. Carl Jung said, “Where your fear is, there is your task.” So, I need to take more time for myself to work through some of this, and I need to take more time for the unhealed parts of mySelf.