I don’t like to admit when I am struggling. Not anymore. I am afraid of disappointing people who have seen me do so well. And I hate when people remind me I shouldn’t be in this place because I’m different from how I was several years ago. More capable. Healthier. It isn’t that people shouldn’t point that out. I am different. But it feels lonely and dismissive. Am I not allowed to struggle? Am I not allowed to have bad days or weeks? It all makes me want to send myself to my room. Lonely doesn’t feel so lonely when you are alone. Being dismissed can be forgotten in a space where dismissal cannot happen. Furthermore, sending myself to my room punishes the Becks, who isn’t perfectly happy. And it doesn’t disrupt others’ emotions or comfort. I also recognize that I prefer to beat myself up so others can’t. I can disappoint myself. I can punish myself. I cannot disappoint others. In truth, I don’t want to disappoint anyone, but that comes at the expense of my own feelings and growth. The other day, my therapist said, “I’m giving you permission to leave people feeling disappointed.”

I desperately wanted, no, needed, that to mean she was giving me permission to self-harm. My thoughts were racing. I was feeling anger, desperation, shame, grief, restlessness, and sadness. I was both jumpy and absent from my own mind and body. I was in the middle of a panic attack in which I was experiencing all of the unpleasant sensations while simultaneously experiencing complete numbness and separation from my body and mind. I wanted to feel something different. I wanted to feel less and more at the same time. And I wanted it all to disappear. Okay, I WANT it all to disappear. Can razor blades solve that? The sensations, emotions, and thoughts? I KNOW they can…temporarily. Really, temporarily sounds okay to me.

So, here’s the truth: I’m not doing great. Physically, I feel okay, apart from being exhausted from being on the go all the time, but mentally and emotionally, I feel defeated. Internal Family Systems would say that the managers and firefighters are working overtime to help me through this. I’m not mySelf. I know when I am hijacked much more often. I know when the managers and firefighters are doing their best to protect the parts of me that are triggered and/or afraid. The hard part is getting back to who I am; the hard part is taking over as mySelf and letting the managers, firefighters, and scared exiles know I’ve “got this.”

As I was reading through a writing prompt from DailyOM, I ran across this: “None of us got to where we are now without going through numerous beginnings…And each time you try something new,…you are expanding your worldview…Every new beginning you’ve experienced has led you to the person you are today.” I know there’s a chance that where I am now will disappoint people; I will disappoint myself, my family, my friends, my therapist, and maybe even some people I have never met. The new beginning is being okay with that. Whether I’ve “got this” right now or not, I will do what I can with what I have. And that might just disappoint a lot of people.