This comes with a trigger warning. In here, I hint at self-harm/suicide, and I discuss sex, sex therapy, and sexual trauma. I have been withholding information. The reason? I'm not sure. A good portion is shame, but that isn't it. It could be that I am still trying to figure out if this is my … Continue reading Here’s A Secret For You
change
Death in 2026?
Photo by Markus Winkler on Pexels.com I started the New Year by reading about and focusing on death. It's not because I am dying, preparing for someone else to die, or trying to deal with a past death, though I suppose all of those things are technically also true. Everyone close to me knows I … Continue reading Death in 2026?
She Isn’t Me
All of my blog posts are vulnerable, but this one feels even moreso. You see, I have been writing, but I had no intention of continuing my blog. I was really hurting, and I didn't want anyone to see that any more than was necessary (because that feels weak), and I didn't want anyone to … Continue reading She Isn’t Me
What Would Life Be Like?
"What would life be like if [that one person] didn't still hold all the space in your life?" Dr. C. asked me to think about that question and write about it. I originally told her I have no imagination, and I was pretty sure, as I said that, that there was no way I would … Continue reading What Would Life Be Like?
“Write About That”
Dr. C. ended our session by telling me to write about how I don't feel as though I deserve to feel upset about what happened because I "just need to take responsibility." So, I wrote about it for the next session. I wrote about it to better understand what I was experiencing and feeling. I … Continue reading “Write About That”
Dear Becks (Part 4)
Several years ago, I wrote a brief narrative of what happened to me. From there, I had to find different statements that were "stuck points" and attempt to refute them. That was back when Dr. C. and I were attempting to use Cognitive Processing Therapy. It was kind of a crash-and-burn experience for me. Everything … Continue reading Dear Becks (Part 4)
Dear Becks (Part 2)
Dear Becks I've been convinced for a very long time that you are the weakest person I know. I thought that you should've known better. You should've stopped the progression. You should've seen the red flags. You, of all people. I thought you already knew what it was like to be sexually abused and wouldn't … Continue reading Dear Becks (Part 2)
Dear Becks
I had a rough transition the other day. Dr. C. and I have been working through the narrative, and I felt as though I was making progress. I was aware of a challenge, though. I was struggling to slow down and feel emotions that were coming up. Left to my own devices, I would've read … Continue reading Dear Becks
So Much Loss
Sometimes it is difficult to stay caught up on what is going on when life gets super busy. I see Dr. C. twice each week, but I don't write twice per week. Instead, I work for my local government, coach soccer, run the soccer league as Vice-President while our President is out of the country … Continue reading So Much Loss
But I’m Proud of Myself
I woke up in a cold sweat. My heart wasn't pounding as it normally does when I have a nightmare. No, it was actually quite slow, and my breathing was shallow. This happens sometimes, usually when I am frozen in my dream. This wasn't directly a trauma dream that I was frozen in though. I … Continue reading But I’m Proud of Myself
Burn the Boat! 