Sitting with thoughts and feelings is often harder than I'd like it to be, and I don't think I am unique in my experience. But spending years ignoring those thoughts and feelings hasn't served me well. In fact, it has left me lying in bed countless nights, willing myself to fall asleep but feeling a … Continue reading Burning the Boat of Secrecy
connection
The ReWrite (Part 2)
Back in the end of May, I wrote about what it was like to rewrite part of my trauma narrative. I had only written what I would consider the first half as it included my experience as an 8-year-old, 10-year-old, and 13-year-old. It was only a few days later that I worked on and completed … Continue reading The ReWrite (Part 2)
The Rewrite (Part 1)
Dr. C. asked if she could have my narrative. I searched through my bag, pulled out my portable keyboard case, unzipped it, and found the folded and worn blue legal pad pages. I carefully pulled them out and leaned forward, arm extended to pass them to her. This was the next step we had been … Continue reading The Rewrite (Part 1)
Running and Trauma Therapy
I ran cross country in high school. I didn't know how long the races were when I signed up. My brother came home on leave from the Air Force and told me it was 5 kilometers (3.1 miles) and that I should run with him. So, that is what I did. My first run was … Continue reading Running and Trauma Therapy
Blue-Eyed, Mischievously Grinning Asshole
I am currently reading a book written by a therapist. Two nights ago, I couldn't put the book down. One chapter led to another and another. I didn't realize that the book was divided into five stories, each of a particular client that embodied something the therapist respected. So, I found myself staying up to … Continue reading Blue-Eyed, Mischievously Grinning Asshole
Ugly, Sticky, and Tangled
My therapist asked me how I wanted to focus my time. I chose to revisit the narrative I wrote, and I wanted my therapist to start at the beginning again. Something about the first two pages feels unresolved. Each time she read the pages out loud, I experienced the seemingly unbearable but expected feelings of … Continue reading Ugly, Sticky, and Tangled
Challenge By Choice Part 2
When I returned from Utah in 2021, I wrote a blog post called Challenge By Choice. In it, I wrote about the choices we, as a group from Annie's House, were given. Each person was challenged to decide what was best for themself: stay on the ground and cheer for others, climb any number of … Continue reading Challenge By Choice Part 2
Mindfulness: Connection
In the seventh week of the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course that I participated in, I noticed heavy emotions and a sense of my body collapsing around itself; by that, I mean I shrunk down as small as I could, involuntarily. I was struggling. I also felt connected. It may seem to make no sense that … Continue reading Mindfulness: Connection
Self-Compassion Is Difficult
Self-compassion is difficult. I remember the negative things I have said or done, and those things become who I am. Each and every poor decision, unkind word spoken—or not, embarrassing moment, or thought provides me with proof that I am a loathsome human. Except, am I? The little three-year-old Becks I saw in the mirror … Continue reading Self-Compassion Is Difficult
Life Is Messy
It happens to everyone, I am quite sure. The inability to think not just linearly but with any sort of focus. I have gone through these phases probably most noticeable to others when I am depressed or physically off - maybe, or generally, a combination of both. The perfect people out there may only notice … Continue reading Life Is Messy
Burn the Boat! 