I woke up in a cold sweat. My heart wasn't pounding as it normally does when I have a nightmare. No, it was actually quite slow, and my breathing was shallow. This happens sometimes, usually when I am frozen in my dream. This wasn't directly a trauma dream that I was frozen in though. I … Continue reading But I’m Proud of Myself
CPTSD
It Just Felt Different
"From an early age, the thing that made me feel most alive was being outside." The first of nine pages of my trauma narrative starts with that sentence. It's a bit different than how the original (first version) of my trauma narrative read. You see, slightly interspersed with the traumatic incidents are recognitions about myself. … Continue reading It Just Felt Different
Three Days
Trauma recovery and healing are not for the faint of heart. If trauma itself infiltrates every part of your day, your being, and your relationships, guess what? So does healing. And that is tough. It isn't meant to be a form of torture, but it can feel that way. Furthermore, retraumatization is possible, but it … Continue reading Three Days
Burning the Boat of Secrecy
Sitting with thoughts and feelings is often harder than I'd like it to be, and I don't think I am unique in my experience. But spending years ignoring those thoughts and feelings hasn't served me well. In fact, it has left me lying in bed countless nights, willing myself to fall asleep but feeling a … Continue reading Burning the Boat of Secrecy
The ReWrite (Part 2)
Back in the end of May, I wrote about what it was like to rewrite part of my trauma narrative. I had only written what I would consider the first half as it included my experience as an 8-year-old, 10-year-old, and 13-year-old. It was only a few days later that I worked on and completed … Continue reading The ReWrite (Part 2)
The Rewrite (Part 1)
Dr. C. asked if she could have my narrative. I searched through my bag, pulled out my portable keyboard case, unzipped it, and found the folded and worn blue legal pad pages. I carefully pulled them out and leaned forward, arm extended to pass them to her. This was the next step we had been … Continue reading The Rewrite (Part 1)
Running and Trauma Therapy
I ran cross country in high school. I didn't know how long the races were when I signed up. My brother came home on leave from the Air Force and told me it was 5 kilometers (3.1 miles) and that I should run with him. So, that is what I did. My first run was … Continue reading Running and Trauma Therapy
2 Truths About Trauma Therapy
I want to share two things with my readers. The first is something I learned about myself that is likely true of you, whether you realize it or not. The second is something that I experienced in my therapy session that will maybe make us both feel a little more normal by my sharing it. … Continue reading 2 Truths About Trauma Therapy
Blue-Eyed, Mischievously Grinning Asshole
I am currently reading a book written by a therapist. Two nights ago, I couldn't put the book down. One chapter led to another and another. I didn't realize that the book was divided into five stories, each of a particular client that embodied something the therapist respected. So, I found myself staying up to … Continue reading Blue-Eyed, Mischievously Grinning Asshole
…Sit With Her (Part 2)
Photo by Noe De Angelis on Pexels.com Picture a knot. A large ball of heavy rope, rotted and fraying, swollen by moisture and mildew, but dried by the baking sun, bonded together from years of misguided attempts to unwind it. Now, hold that picture in your mind. "You don't need a padded room. You just … Continue reading …Sit With Her (Part 2)
Burn the Boat! 