I Need

In 2015 I began a journey through SEVERE depression that almost claimed my life multiple times and led to more than 30 hospitalizations for up to 9 months out of the year each year. I have been hospitalized in multiple states and cities: Kingston, PA; State College, PA; Coatesville, PA; Lemont/Chicago, IL; Baltimore, MD; Washington D.C. I have been to generic psychiatric hospitals, trauma facilities, residential facilities, and eating disorder hospitals. I have had medication therapy, dance therapy, art therapy, group therapy, ECT – both unilateral and bilateral, cognitive behavior therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, EMDR therapy, and many more.

In each hospital or each doctor’s appointment the prescribers had different ideas about treatment and medication, and I found myself being ragdolled (yes, I know that is not a word – but I don’t have a publisher to tell me I can’t say it) through each treatment method. All of this medication chaos led to me taking up to about 50 different medications in three years.

In March of 2018 I was prescribed Viibryd and Rexulti. I was discharged from a hospital in May of 2018, and I haven’t been back. That is HUGE for me. Nearly 11 months out of the hospital! While on these medications I have gained nearly 60 pounds causing concern about physical health with my Psychiatrist. Last night was the first night of a new medication to replace the Rexulti. I have been unstable for the past two months since starting to make that change. In the next couple of months I will be changing from Viibryd to something else as well. I have treatment resistant depression, so to find a treatment that worked was miraculous. To have to change from this makes me anxious. I could easily slip back to the 9 months in the hospital and attempts to take my own life or that could easily be in the past.

I am doing what I can to counteract weight gain and mental instability. On Sundays I go to church and try to connect with people and then attend a small group in the evening. Mondays and Wednesdays I work. Tuesdays and Fridays I go to therapy. Thursdays I read, write, or just hang out at Starbucks. Friday nights I attend a recovery group with other Christians. Saturdays I clean my house and go to mindfulness meditation. Any day I can, I go to the gym and work out. I also work out with a personal trainer. Some of these steps have been huge for me.

I share all of this to make it clear that I am doing everything I can. I am doing the work. I am pushing myself. But I am struggling. I fight thoughts. Thoughts that I cannot share. Thoughts about killing myself. Thoughts about hurting myself. I need all the help I can get. I need prayer. I need connection. I need to talk sometimes. I need to run. I need to lift heavy weights. I need to go to bed early. I need.

2 thoughts on “I Need

  1. I've been happy that you've seemed to be doing a lot better these past months. I can only go by what I see and hear from you. I know you don't share a lot with me. I'm not sure if you are afraid to tell me how you're feeling or you're afraid of how I will React. All I know is, I love you and I'd do anything to help you.


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