I’m very behind in my writing prompts for the year, but I am doing better than last year. I first downloaded these prompts last year and never started. The reasons for not starting were plentiful, but what sticks out to me is the belief that I don’t have much to offer by way of understanding myself to help others understand themselves or offering what I do have through words.

Enter prompt four, during a time when I feel lower than I have in well over a year, which asks me about my contributions. The self-critical part of me has been screaming loudly. The stay-in-bed and avoid everyone and everything part is pulling me inward. The not-good-enough part tells me I’ll never get ahead, so I should give up forever. The self-harm part tells me it will get me through. And the angry part, oh the angry part, it wants to hit and throw things. It wants to scream and yell and tell everyone to stand back.

So, as I attempt to reflect on my contributions, it becomes exceedingly difficult. I mean, what can one contribute in this state? I’m in a completely inward or closed state. Even my thinking is contracted.

You see, it’s been a rough several weeks. It makes sense that I’m a little turned around. I was supposed to get Botox in January for debilitating migraines, but my new insurance was refusing to pay for it. Nearly two weeks of migraines were remedied when my doctor finally won the war with the insurance company. It took twice the dose than is typical for me and an extra week to fully recover. About the same time this was occurring, my insurance company also refused to fill my prescription. I jumped through red tape and hoops to get it delivered to my house, but I was without for several days. If you have never experienced an immediate titration of psych meds, just trust me when I say it leads to some terrible side effects and withdrawal symptoms, namely for me, suicidal ideation and an inability to regulate my emotions. All rationale goes out the window.

If medication issues weren’t enough, I had a setback with my gut issues. A little over one year ago, I was able (with some discomfort) to eat nearly anything. Now, I can no longer eat animal products and must be gluten-free and low-fat. Any shift from this makes me sick. There is a chance I had milk unknowingly. That puts a quick hold on life and devastates the equilibrium I feel in my body. Healing my gut then requires consistency, and it is difficult to be consistent when faced with more testing that requires fasting. Oh, and with fasting comes the inability to take those necessary psych medications when I should. Everything feels off again.

Lack of proper nutrition and water is a factor for poor sleep, and all those combined lead to limited capacity to utilize the appropriate coping skills at any given time. My ability to use coping skills doesn’t always need to be top-tier, but when additional stressors compound, maladaptive coping takes over. That is where the other “parts” take over.

My family has three cars. My husband commutes, so it is helpful to have a 3^rd car for when repairs need to be made. Within a two-week period, two of our cars had blown engines. One of those cars could potentially be repaired as it runs and drives (not well), but it also has a rusted frame. It would not be worth it because it wouldn’t pass inspection in a couple of months. The other car would be an expensive fix. A newer car would make more sense. But how do you make these decisions or obtain a drivable car as soon as possible? And how do you do that when you don’t have the capacity to make decisions or have the emotional, mental, and physical energy to keep moving forward?

It is no secret that I have a history of trauma (I am open about it, after all), and with that comes specific, immediate, and intense triggers that produce an intense visceral response. Keep in mind that I was already in fight or flight. One of those massive triggers reared its ugly head, and I went from fight or flight to fawn. I cried. I mentally and emotionally punished myself. I gave the 25-year-old version of me another reason to hate and distrust me.

On top of all that, the sensitive, empathetic person that I am began taking on the emotional pain of others. I’m good at that. I’m not so good at letting it go. I am mourning with my brother over a loss. I am worried about him because he has so much going on, and I want to take some of the pain away but can’t. My mom and sister are sick. Nothing serious, but I feel an overwhelming need to care for them. A close friend’s dog was sick and dying. I wanted to be there for her. My landlord’s mother passed away suddenly. Three days prior, I stood in the yard and talked with her. She seemed perfectly healthy. He relied heavily on her as a single parent of two young children. It seems silly, but the other day, he sent me a text asking how to deal with a laundry situation. Under normal circumstances, he would’ve called his mom.

What does all of that have to do with contribution? Not much, really. It is a window into my mind, though. With all those things going on, I have struggled to see the positive; I haven’t seen my contributions to myself, others, or situations. I have struggled to see how I have continued to move forward. In fact, I reached out to my therapist to tell her I was struggling, and she pointed out how I wasn’t giving myself credit for the things I was doing well. I was frustrated and felt unheard and unseen. I felt angry. Stop telling me I’m doing well and hear the hurt and fear!

I know she’s right, though. At least with what little cognitive capacity I have right now. It doesn’t feel true.

As much as I am struggling right now to see my own strengths and contributions, I can rely on the words my mother-in-law provided:

“While each new year has had its challenges, I so love watching you meet them with courage and strength. You already know life is not a bed of roses, yet you see the beauty of the world around you and happily share that world through your photography. Thank you for being you, strong in your battles, courageous in your trials, and loving to your family and friends.”

– The O.G. Mrs. Nelson

I didn’t answer a single question from the week four prompt, but that’s okay. In the meantime, my contribution today is a photo I took of the creek near my house. It is beautiful, and sometimes we need to see the beauty in things before we can see the beauty in ourselves.