My therapist at Annie's House, K, had an office with an L-shaped desk that he sometimes sat behind with two fairly comfortable blue chairs facing him. Off to the right side was a white couch with four throw pillows, two white and two bright turquoise. Next to the couch there was a blue chenille blanket … Continue reading My Safe Place

In 2002, one of my Professors held class at his ranch in New York. My classmates and I had the opportunity to ride his horses, eat homemade food, and relax in his home with his family. For several hours, two different horses had several of my classmates riding on them, but they did not seem … Continue reading Peanut Butter & Jack

I gave a glimpse of my life back in December when I wrote a recap on my intention toward courage for 2020. I transparently shared that I had self-harmed 43 out of 275 days. I am confident I have probably been close to self-harming close to 275 out of 275 days in the past, but … Continue reading Ugly, Broken, Nothing

In case you did not get the memo, I have been away for "a minute," as the folks in Utah say quite frequently. I "dipped out" of Pennsylvania on December 28th to head to Annie's House in Draper, UT. It is one of the locations for Steps Recovery Center, owned by a very kind man … Continue reading 2021: What in the Sam Hill Does it Mean to "Engage?"

While doing my personal "year in review" reflections, I had some intense feelings: Pain (general emotional pain - specifics are below), shame, and powerlessness. I have several self-destructive behaviors, but the one indicative of the most pain, shame, and powerlessness in my life is self-harm. On April 1, 2019 I began logging the number of … Continue reading Forget the Mistake. Remember the Lesson.

Photo by Riho Kitagawa on Unsplash Opportunities for personal development, especially in the area of relationships AND challenging all-or-nothing thinking, are not always pleasant. As a matter of fact, they invoke many uncomfortable thoughts and feelings for me. Recently, though, I was able to face that discomfort head-on. I wanted to talk about it because … Continue reading Repair, Not Rupture

Photo by Luka Vovk on Unsplash It was a dark and stormy night... Actually, I was sitting on the couch next to my husband staring at a therapist on the computer screen... The other day I was listening to a training video designed for therapists who work with individuals with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. There were … Continue reading Dark & Stormy Night

I took Paxil for six months starting in June 2005. I began tapering off of it the beginning of December that same year, and by January 2006, I was medication free. It was a difficult month of tapering. I was nauseous, dizzy, had headaches, and experienced what many call "zaps." It was as though my … Continue reading I Don’t Like Pill Shamers (Or Pills)

Photo by Cyrus Crossan on Unsplash   1.  I was informed I was discharging from the Psychological Institute of Washington the day after I communicated with staff that I was planning to hurt myself. I felt fear and anxiety but lashed out in anger, turning it toward myself. I began hurting myself and trying to kick … Continue reading Progress, Not Perfection: 25 Telephone Poles

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash   I once wrote a suicide note. Only once. I have no idea what it said, but I know it was probably very conventional. "I love you. I'm sorry. It's not your fault." It probably had no address. I doubt I wrote, "Dear Tim and Ian." That was in … Continue reading What If This Is A Suicide Note?