I gave a glimpse of my life back in December when I wrote a recap on my intention toward courage for 2020. I transparently shared that I had self-harmed 43 out of 275 days. I am confident I have probably been close to self-harming close to 275 out of 275 days in the past, but … Continue reading Ugly, Broken, Nothing

In case you did not get the memo, I have been away for "a minute," as the folks in Utah say quite frequently. I "dipped out" of Pennsylvania on December 28th to head to Annie's House in Draper, UT. It is one of the locations for Steps Recovery Center, owned by a very kind man … Continue reading 2021: What in the Sam Hill Does it Mean to "Engage?"

While doing my personal "year in review" reflections, I had some intense feelings: Pain (general emotional pain - specifics are below), shame, and powerlessness. I have several self-destructive behaviors, but the one indicative of the most pain, shame, and powerlessness in my life is self-harm. On April 1, 2019 I began logging the number of … Continue reading Forget the Mistake. Remember the Lesson.

Photo by Riho Kitagawa on Unsplash Opportunities for personal development, especially in the area of relationships AND challenging all-or-nothing thinking, are not always pleasant. As a matter of fact, they invoke many uncomfortable thoughts and feelings for me. Recently, though, I was able to face that discomfort head-on. I wanted to talk about it because … Continue reading Repair, Not Rupture

Photo by Luka Vovk on Unsplash It was a dark and stormy night... Actually, I was sitting on the couch next to my husband staring at a therapist on the computer screen... The other day I was listening to a training video designed for therapists who work with individuals with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. There were … Continue reading Dark & Stormy Night

I took Paxil for six months starting in June 2005. I began tapering off of it the beginning of December that same year, and by January 2006, I was medication free. It was a difficult month of tapering. I was nauseous, dizzy, had headaches, and experienced what many call "zaps." It was as though my … Continue reading I Don’t Like Pill Shamers (Or Pills)

Photo by Cyrus Crossan on Unsplash   1.  I was informed I was discharging from the Psychological Institute of Washington the day after I communicated with staff that I was planning to hurt myself. I felt fear and anxiety but lashed out in anger, turning it toward myself. I began hurting myself and trying to kick … Continue reading Progress, Not Perfection: 25 Telephone Poles

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash   I once wrote a suicide note. Only once. I have no idea what it said, but I know it was probably very conventional. "I love you. I'm sorry. It's not your fault." It probably had no address. I doubt I wrote, "Dear Tim and Ian." That was in … Continue reading What If This Is A Suicide Note?

Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash I am not a fine wine, craft beer, or perfectly aged whiskey. No, I am Prohibition Moonshine. Wine, craft beer, and perfectly aged whiskey have something in common. They have years of developing and perfecting flavor; top of the line production equipment; and knowledgeable Oenologists, brewers, and Maltmen or … Continue reading I am Prohibition Moonshine

I am going to need some grace on this. There is a concept known by many, and it has a few names. Probably the less abrasive one is Brene Brown's idea of foreboding joy. Everything is going really well, and fear strikes because you just know that something bad is going to follow; probably soon. … Continue reading I Should Have Chosen Kegel's