Photo by Anthony Ievlev on Unsplash  "Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable - it's the total opposite of owning our story and feeling worthy. In fact, the definition of shame that I developed from my research is: "Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore … Continue reading Cognitive Processing Therapy 5.0

Photo by Max Titov on Unsplash The Skill I started playing soccer my freshman year of high school. It had been a passion of mine for years, but the opportunity never arose for me to play until then. I showed up to tryouts about one week after having ankle surgery and demonstrated an incredible lack … Continue reading Cognitive Processing Therapy 4.2 (and 4.3)

I discharged from my last hospitalization in Washington, D.C. on May 5, 2018. Since that time I have been seeing my current therapist multiple times per week. For several months I would be in her office three times per week, maybe even four times a time or two. Currently, I sit on the couch in … Continue reading The "In-Between" 4.1

In graduate school I had a very intelligent professor who taught Statistics. He was so intelligent that much of the time he did not speak in a language that his students could understand. I tutored many of the other students in my class, but there was one student who did not come in for help. … Continue reading Cognitive Processing Therapy 4.0

I was feeling positive the morning of my third trauma-focused therapy session. I went to the gym that morning, bought myself a coffee, and sat down to read a book. I was calm. I was not thinking about what was to come. My therapist bought a weighted blanket around the time I first started seeing … Continue reading Cognitive Processing Therapy 3.0

Avoidance. That was the theme for session two. I completed my impact statement declaring all of the reasons I felt I am to blame for what happened. I sent the statement to my therapist, by accident. I was supposed to send it when I finished it, but when I went to hit send I could … Continue reading Cognitive Processing Therapy 2.0

I have explained before that when I run a particularly difficult course outside I tend to set small goals for myself. I run from one telephone pole to the next. "This hill is too steep and too long, only 50 more meters to go. Made it." "I am sucking wind, and my legs are burning, … Continue reading Cognitive Processing Therapy 1.0

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson once considered himself to be a failure. He played football in college, and his dream was to become a professional football player. He entered the draft, but he was never picked. He pursued his dream by joining a Canadian league but was cut. In some of his inspirational speeches he talks … Continue reading On Being "So Much More"

Almost exactly one month ago I made a plan to kill myself. I had the means necessary and had every intention of carrying that plan out. I knew the details of how effective the method usually is, how long it takes, and what the pain factor would be. I knew about how long it would … Continue reading Do I Matter?

Depression has often been talked about as though it is a dark cloud hanging over your head. The commercial I remember best was a Zoloft commercial many years ago. I perceive this cloud as preventing me from seeing the blue sky and sun, but it is not the only cloud I experience in my life … Continue reading The Depression-Cloud Metaphor