Photo by Zachary DeBottis on Pexels.com I had entered the twilight stage. I wasn't asleep, but I wasn't awake; I was in a dreamlike state, and my mind was creating a story that I now know wasn't true but felt very real at the time. Actually, I don't know that I remember what this "dream" … Continue reading It’s Only April
CPTSD
Let Me Disappoint You
I don't like to admit when I am struggling. Not anymore. I am afraid of disappointing people who have seen me do so well. And I hate when people remind me I shouldn't be in this place because I'm different from how I was several years ago. More capable. Healthier. It isn't that people shouldn't … Continue reading Let Me Disappoint You
Mindfulness and Feedback Loops
I adopted the practice of mindfulness meditation several years ago when I needed a way to transform the battle of pain, stress, and turmoil into a simple awareness that comes and goes (I’m still a work in progress). The key to mindfulness meditation is “simply” allowing the experiences we encounter without judgment, which is also … Continue reading Mindfulness and Feedback Loops
Four: Contributions
I’m very behind in my writing prompts for the year, but I am doing better than last year. I first downloaded these prompts last year and never started. The reasons for not starting were plentiful, but what sticks out to me is the belief that I don’t have much to offer by way of understanding … Continue reading Four: Contributions
World’s End
First and foremost, you should know that this comes with a trigger warning. You will read this and feel things you DO NOT want to feel. You will read this and think things you DO NOT want to think. If you are ready for that on a personal and/or protective level, then please read. If … Continue reading World’s End
Three > Thirty
Three (3) years. Thirty-six (36) months. One hundred fifty-six (156) weeks. One thousand ninety-five (1,095) days. Twenty-six thousand two hundred ninety-eight (26,289) hours. One million five hundred seventy-six thousand eight hundred (1,576,800) minutes. Ninety-four million six hundred eight thousand (94,608,000) seconds. This is how long it has been since I have self-harmed. Three years out … Continue reading Three > Thirty
One: Challenges
One of the things I value about myself is my grit. Sure, there are times when I throw in the towel for hours, days, weeks, or even months, but I always come back and tackle whatever obstacle is in front of me with greater resolve. Each challenge creates in me a sense of strength and … Continue reading One: Challenges
“Bump!”
Courage and Fear When my brother was in the military, just after 9/11, he stood on the coast of Djibouti with his commander. The commander pointed toward Yemen and discussed a larger mission. Essentially, my brother would be dropped off in the Middle East to work with locals to form their own army to fight … Continue reading “Bump!”
Mindfulness: The Dragon
Jack Kent wrote a book called There's No Such Thing as a Dragon, which illustrates the idea of noticing and allowing. One morning, a boy wakes up with a tiny dragon in his bedroom. When he tells his mother, she tells him "there is no such thing as dragons." The two proceed to go about … Continue reading Mindfulness: The Dragon
Question
"Was it rape?" "Can you clarify?" "[person's name]...the first time..." “Let’s process.” After skimming back through Amelia Zachry’s book, Enough: A Memoir of Mistakes, Mania, and Motherhood, I asked my therapist the above question early one Friday evening. The following Tuesday, I sat in my therapist's office feeling lightheaded, weak, and uncomfortable in my skin. … Continue reading Question
Burn the Boat! 