Sometimes I have conversations in my head that I should not have out loud. It may seem at times like a critical voice, but in reality it is just a general editor. When people say things that do not make sense, I tend to reword their sentences quietly. When people say a word incorrectly, I repeat it correctly several times. It is kind of obsessive and compulsive really. My husband pronounces compass and monster in a way different than I do, and every time he says them I get the little voice in my head saying them the way I have always pronounced them. No sound comes out, my lips don’t move, but my tongue repeats the motions over and over.
My thoughts about other things happen the same way. I repeat things over and over in my head until I can resolve them in a satisfactory way. A conversation I had earlier in the day sometimes gets replayed ten to twenty times while I try to figure out what I should have said. I’m not a great conversationalist, and many times I don’t say what I’m thinking in a conversation.
Sometimes I have conversations in my head that I should have out loud. During conversations that I don’t say what I am thinking I tend to have a volley in my head. It usually goes something like this:
Them: How was your weekend?
Me: It was okay I guess. I went black light mini golfing.
Me (in my head): We went to our local pizza place and accidentally ordered a large stromboli for me instead of a small. It was huge! We went to the store to get a new phone, but they didn’t have it. We ended up at the Sprint store instead and both of us got new phones for cheaper than what we could have done on our old plan. Then I took my son to the pet store to pet the cats and dogs. We saw hamsters, rats, mice, rabbits, and crickets. We also went Christmas shopping with my son so he could pick something out for each of us (we took turns not being around so we wouldn’t know what he found).
This monologue in my head ends up being an awkward silence externally. I don’t tend to notice the awkward silence until the dialogue stops and I find the person standing or sitting there in silence.
Many times when I do this it is about something that I need to communicate to move forward in becoming my best, whole self. If I could talk about the things that effect me so much they wouldn’t hold so much weight. I’m not sure exactly how to move forward from the voice in my head to the voice that will give me freedom from myself, but I am beginning to trust the process. I am beginning to find my voice rather than just having a voice in my head. The voice I have never completely lost but never completely used.