In February, I read David Foster Wallace’s commencement speech at Kenyon College, entitled This is Water.

Wallace told a story at the beginning of the book about two fish that were swimming along when they passed an older fish. The older fish said, “how’s the water?” The two other fish questioned each other about what water was. They were going about their lives with no recognition of what was around them. Fish don’t know what water is. Do I know what air is? Am I aware of my physical surroundings? Like really aware. Am I aware of the people around me and the stories I tell myself about them? Am I aware of the stories I tell about myself? Do I know my thoughts, emotions, values, physical sensations, etc.?

The point of David Foster Wallace’s speech was to encourage living a compassionate life. Awareness provides us with the ability to make choices regarding compassion (and much more). Choices give us the opportunity to slow things down and be compassionate. He mentioned that our thoughts are the deciding factor between suicide and life. Unfortunately, three years after he delivered his speech, he died by suicide.

I wanted to write about this though because I let my therapist read the book, and she told me about an interview done with Amy Wallace, David’s sister. There were two things I plan to emphasize in this blog post that stuck out to me during the interview.

David Foster Wallace faced very dark depression around his sophomore year of college and came home for some time off. While home, he received therapy and worked hard to crawl out of that depression. One of the things he did that was somewhat out of character for him was to talk with his sister about what it was like. He communicated. How important this is. Don’t face it alone.

I had a similar experience in my first year of graduate school. I was extremely depressed, and despite reaching out to several people, never received the help I needed. I was hospitalized in the Spring of 2005 for one week and moved back to Michigan immediately after being discharged. I lived with my brother for about a year, and I too had many conversations about what depression was like, why I felt the way I felt, what I had gone through, and much more. I felt more healthy than I had felt in a very long time after that year, but like Wallace, my depression came back. That leads me to the second point I wanted to bring up.

In the interview, Amy Wallace became emotional while discussing her brother’s suicide (who wouldn’t?!), which in turn caused me to feel some things hidden very deep inside of me.

Interviewer: “…a very, very brave, courageous person who tried to endure what felt unendurable. And who finally just couldn’t really take it anymore.”

Amy: “He was very brave, and he really did try so hard. And when he did die, there was not a minute that I thought…that I was angry at him…or that if he’d only tried harder…I knew how hard he tried.”

This isn’t my way of saying goodbye. It’s not a suicide note. It’s not even an indication of where I am right now. It’s also not my way of trying to manipulate anyone into thinking a certain way about me. It is merely my own thought about suicide if I were ever to follow through with it…

I really hope that if there is ever a time when I can no longer take it—when I can no longer endure what feels unendurable—that the people in my life can say what Amy said about David. I hope everyone knows how brave I have been/how brave I was. I hope everyone knows how hard I try/ tried. Maybe that knowledge wouldn’t necessarily be for me but for the ones left behind. Amy was comforted by her brother’s effort. Loved ones need to know how hard a victim of suicide worked. Suicide is NOT an easy way out. Again, this isn’t my way of saying it is inevitable because I can see a life without the darkness, but I can’t help but be affected by and want to share something as profound as David’s story and Amy’s thoughts about him.

With that, I want to share the lyrics to a song released last year that has stuck with me. Here are those lyrics:

Is there a place where I
Could leave the world behind
And say goodbye to every painful memory
Where darkness ain’t my destiny?

This is my destiny
This is my destiny

Is this the life that you want?
I don’t ever wanna feel this way
‘Cause this is the life that you got
And no one else can ever take your place
I can’t (I can’t), I won’t (I won’t)
Go down this road
It leaves me lost (I’m lost) alone (alone)
How did I get so far from home?

Is there a place where I
Could leave the world behind
And say goodbye to every painful memory
Where darkness ain’t my destiny?
I’m running towards the light
I’m free of all the rage I thought would never leave
This darkness ain’t my destiny
No, I make my destiny
No, I make my destiny

This is my destiny

Is this the life that you made?
It’s gettin’ hard to tell who I am
It’s time, it’s your life to change
Even if you don’t think you can
I can’t (I can’t), I won’t (I won’t)
Just lose my soul
I’ve got so far (so far) to go (to go)
Just show me how to get back home

Is there a place where I
Could leave the world behind
And say goodbye to every painful memory
Where darkness ain’t my destiny?
I’m running towards the light
I’m free of all the rage I thought would never leave
This darkness ain’t my destiny
No, I make my destiny
No, I make my destiny

Pushing ’til I put the pain away, get away (get away)
Bracing for the weight but it cannot break me (break me)
Living like I’ll never be afraid, not afraid (not afraid)
This is my destiny
Pushing ’til I put the pain away, get away (get away)
Bracing for the weight but it cannot break me (break me)
Living like I’ll never be afraid, not afraid (not afraid)

Is there a place where I
Could leave the world behind
And say goodbye to every painful memory (memory)
Where darkness ain’t my destiny?
I’m running towards the light
I’m free of all the rage I thought would never leave
This darkness ain’t my destiny
No, I make my destiny
No, I make my destiny (I’m running towards the light)
No, I make my destiny (leave the past behind)
No, I make my destiny

This is my destiny

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: John Cooper / Kane Churko / Kevin Gregory Churko / Korene M. Cooper
Destiny lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

Listen to the interview with Amy Wallace
Listen to the commencement speech
Purchase This is Water

A couple disclaimers:

If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide and harming yourself, please reach out to someone, a friend, a relative, a professional, emergency personnel, etc.

This post is maybe not as clean as I would like it to be. That’s okay with me. I recognize I am processing A LOT in therapy and personally. Be patient with my non-linear thoughts, seemingly unrelated posts, and the random timeline for publishing. Know that I will share as I am ready.