When I was at Steps Recovery/Deer Hollow in Utah, part of the graduation process included having others in the house writing messages in a book you found meaningful. I chose More Beautiful Than Before by Steve Leder. Two of my favorite people in Utah desecrated the book by writing words that give me the heebie-jeebies. To make matters worse, one of the words was misspelled. The word: “intimacy.” Or, in my book: “intamacy.” It was a joke, and I took it as that. I smile (and shiver) every time I think about it–and them. So, Shauntae and Janelle, if you are reading this, you two changed my trajectory. Thank you!

I pulled the book off my shelf today. My intention was to turn to one of the pages where “intamacy” was written and snap a photo for a therapist to see. But I started to read what the staff and my friends in recovery had written to me. I had approached the bookshelf with a cloak of humor around me, but the words on the pages unclothed me in an instant. All the lessons, painful healing moments, people, and growth flooded back. The words came off the page like sledgehammers slamming against the concrete wall of my skin.

My intention for 2024 was this: “I will be. I will become. I will embrace. I will see the potential.” I think I did well “being.” I think I did well “becoming.” I did my best to “embrace” parts of myself. I wandered in the general direction of the potential I see in myself. I can look back on my year and see so many successful moments. My gauge of “success” is based upon an overall understanding of the progress I have made as well as the compassion and understanding I have given myself along the way. Yet, here I am, feeling lost at the start of 2025. So, I can’t help but think I must’ve missed the mark somehow.

I know I am “more beautiful than before,” but maybe I washed off the makeup and found I am not the airbrushed version of myself I wish to be. Let me give you an example. I was sitting in my therapist’s office, practically holding my breath so I wouldn’t say what I had been thinking for years, and suddenly, a soft comment that felt more like a gut punch commanded I take a breath. With that breath came a flood of tears and the words I had refused to speak out loud. It felt good to say it. But it has felt awful to know I said something so out of sync with how I view kindness, my character, and what is beautiful. Those words that I can’t un-say needed to be said. But the black eye under my makeup shows now, and I am struggling with that. I am doubled down in staying quiet. I am doubled down on staying hidden. All of that is incongruent with my intention for 2024. And all that somehow cracked open with the crinkle of the spine when More Beautiful Than Before was woken from its slumber on my bookshelf.

In the past, I would’ve placed my current condition and beliefs on one side of the scale and the words written by these incredible people in Utah on the other side. It’s a no-brainer that my flaws would outweigh the good, and therefore, nullify everything written about me. For some reason, this time, it didn’t work that way. I only realized that perhaps I need to go back to some basics for 2025. I just need to have a little more self-compassion for myself. I need to give myself grace to be human. I am not there even in the example above, but I have the compass and know which way North is now.

“Oh dear Becks, you have been an amazing inspiration throughout my entire time here. I really have seen how much you love and care for so many people. You have opened up and honestly shine so bright. Don’t ever forget that.”

“(You’re one of my favs.)”

“You are such an amazing person! Remember the progress you have made, and keep the momentum. Direction is more important than speed!”

“You have a long, sad, beautiful, tragic story of adversity and struggle that has made you wise and approachable. You are truly a fighter and proof that hard, intentional work can heal the struggling soul.”

“You truly are a magnificent soul.”

“You’re seriously one of my fave people.”

“I’m so thankful I have been able to get to know you. I’ve gotten to see so many different sides of you and love every one of them. Remember you are loved. You are enough. You are perfect just how you are. Continue growing and keep inspiring everyone around you.”

“You are such an inspiration for me…Getting to know you here has saved my life. You are incredibly strong. Your hugs are healing and powerful. Never forget how strong and inspirational you are.”

“I’m so grateful to have met you. Your soul is amazing, and I feel so blessed to have been able to go through some of these things with someone that has the wisdom (and snark) I needed. Always be a warrior!”

“I have really enjoyed getting to know you these past few weeks. I’ve watched you grow so much and discover things about yourself and it’s been so beautiful to watch. You are a leader, and I’ve sensed that since the day I met you.”

“You are a warrior. So full of strength and wisdom. One of my favorites. Shh…Don’t tell anyone lol…You are going to do great things, Becks…Live your life to its fullest. You are a ROCKSTAR!”