I wouldn’t say my graduate school experience was awful, but I wouldn’t say my training was good either. I gained a lot of knowledge through books, but the majority of my clinical experience was more what not to do as a therapist. Two examples:

One of my professors was unlicensed. Everyone was under the impression that he didn’t feel a license was important because he chose to “mentor” rather than “counsel.” In fact, he lost his license because he had slept with clients. This didn’t come out until a victim of his saw he was retiring and was having a party to honor his years as a professor. Moral of the story? Don’t sleep with your clients.

Another of my professors listened to a somewhat vague story about how an individual had taken advantage of them sexually. He questioned the person about their part in this. He was victim-blaming, but he did offer to meet with the well-off, highly successful perpetrator. When the same situation happened again, the individual did not reach out for help. It changed the trajectory of that person’s life and relationships. Oh, that person was me. Moral of the story? Believe and support your client.

I share those stories because they paint an important picture that I think is important for my readers and my therapist. You, my readers, need to know that you aren’t alone in bad experiences that shape your ability to get help. My therapist needs to know what I am so afraid of as I try to heal in her presence, with her guidance, and in the space she holds for me.

Details matter. But, details have only caused trouble for me. Is it okay to share details of what actually happened? To actually say what happened? Like, the horrendous details? Do people do that? Is it normal? Is it okay? And, what happens if/when people share?

I am so afraid that I’m not supposed to share that I can’t even ask if it’s normal or okay!

I am so afraid that if I ask, I’ll look like a fool. Because, duh, that’s what people do in therapy. Or, uh, that’s not something people do. It’s not appropriate or okay.

I am so afraid that if I ask and it’s okay to tell the details of what happened, I’ll be incapable of actually taking the next step because of shame.

I am so afraid that I might actually share the details and have the unthinkable happen:

1. My therapist won’t give a sh*t. “I have been working with this whiner for years, and this is her problem? Ugh.“

2. My therapist is just looking for a way to shame me. “You should hear about my client who…”

3. My therapist will blame or invalidate me. “Yup, you definitely caused that to happen. All of those things you are upset about are your own doing.”

4. My therapist will punish me. “I am going to have to tell everyone you know and report you for what you have done.”

5. She won’t react at all – she will sit in silence and leave me with all the same questions (this might be the worst because it leaves my mind in charge of her thoughts, opinions, and judgments – and my mind is downright mean). Did I do something wrong? What did I do wrong? I should definitely continue blaming myself, huh? I am a piece of sh*t, aren’t I? My life is one big f*ck-up after another, isn’t it? I deserve what happened, don’t I? I’m the perpetrator?

6. My therapist will use my vulnerability as others have to hurt me – in the same way as others have. Go ahead and use your imagination about what this could mean.

7. My therapist will tell me she can’t hold that space for me. It’s too much. I’m too much.

Now, I KNOW my therapist is professional, empathetic, compassionate, and altogether a good human and therapist. But, I shared with her in a recent session that despite our positive history (one characterized by an astronomical amount of trust, comparatively speaking), I have a much longer history. The chances of ANY of the above things actually occurring are nil, but my mind is exceptionally cruel. And, I still question what is and isn’t okay to talk about. I try to remind myself that every person is different. Maybe some people don’t need to talk about their experiences in detail because it just isn’t important. Maybe they need to talk about their experience of what happened, as in, their emotions and thoughts. I think talking about what happened, in detail, is enormously important, though. I likely have a skewed view of what happened and want to understand what happened from someone who can be curious. I need help comprehending details. I need to move through the shame by speaking about what happened, which I think will help move me through the emotions and traumatic somatizations that otherwise seem intolerable and keep me stuck. I need someone to model something important; I need someone to tell me it’s going to be okay. This has been my need for as long as I can remember. The problem is, I know I will never believe it unless someone hears what I have to say, helps me experience what I have been through with empathy, curiosity, and lack of judgment, and then helps me fight to give myself that same empathy, curiosity, and lack of judgment. I need an honest, fully informed, outside perspective to hold the map.

So, truthfully, these are all things I wanted desperately to say in my last therapy session. I wasn’t sure I could choke down the tears to get it all out, though. It’s so frustrating to try to speak but suddenly feel your throat close, so I sit in agony, willing myself to just say the freakin’ words. It’s just not that easy for me. Sometimes, I think I should just have a full-blown ugly cry in my therapist’s office just so I can maybe get the words out in the last ten to fifteen minutes. That’s also not very easy; nor is it preferable.