This comes with a trigger warning. In here, I hint at self-harm/suicide, and I discuss sex, sex therapy, and sexual trauma.

I have been withholding information. The reason? I’m not sure. A good portion is shame, but that isn’t it. It could be that I am still trying to figure out if this is my journey, but quite honestly, even if I hop off the train I am on, it was still a part of the journey. So, I’m going to be honest about something I have no desire whatsoever to share.

As many readers know, or may have guessed, I have not been going to therapy with Dr. C. She thought I needed a referral. This referral isn’t to see another trauma therapist. No, this referral was to see a sex therapist. It feels deeply personal, not just shameful, to type that. I mean, let’s be honest, my history of several different sexual traumas with multiple people across my lifespan hasn’t exactly set me up for success. And if I can be harsh to conservative christianity a minute, it’s not exactly the norm to talk about sex as though it’s this natural, beautiful thing openly with your kids. And if you are in your 60s, 70s, or 80s and reading this, I think you should be honest about how you talked about it, whether you are/were a conservative Christian or not. How was sex talk handled in my house? It wasn’t. Or if it was, it was something to be ashamed of or in trouble about.

Quick story: My oldest brother and I got in trouble one time when I was maybe 7??? My sister had recently had her first child, and I was excited to be an aunt, especially so young. By the way, Happy Birthday, Mike (his birthday was February 1). Not actually understanding how it all worked or how family relationships worked, I shared a “praise” in my Sunday School class. I told my class that my brother and his girlfriend could have a baby and that I’d be a great-aunt. Well, that went over like a lead balloon in my house when the Sunday School teacher shared that with my parents. Matt was all of 14 or 15 at that time, and although it is entirely possible he was sexually active, I was not aware of that, nor was I trying to tattle on him. I just didn’t get it. Either way, he was REALLY mad at me, and we both ended up grounded. I didn’t have any idea what I had done except for a twinge of understanding that sex is VERY BAD. That was my first real run-in with the idea of sex, but it got worse from there. It was probably only a few short months later that I had my first encounter with what sex actually was and how I was to be a good little girl and do what I was told. You better believe I knew to keep my mouth shut about that.

Okay, back to the point of this post. I am currently seeing a sex therapist. The process to find a therapist was a nightmare. Most are not local, so I was stuck calling random people on the phone and having triggering conversations that made me more sure of my desire to end my life. And I was close. It was all I thought about for weeks. Add to that process the idea that my therapist was no longer going to be working with me, and I didn’t really care what the outcome was. Screw her, screw sex, screw everyone.

But an opportunity arose to see someone locally who could also work collaboratively with my therapist. So, I have been on a hiatus with Dr. C. while I have been seeing this new sex therapist. I am trying to give her a chance, really. Just the idea of seeing her for what I have to see her for makes me not want to like her, so I have to set that aside to let myself get a true feel for whether this is a good fit. The problem is, I am struggling. She is really green. My nervous system picks up on others’ feelings, and she seems uncomfortable or unsure a lot of the time. She is able to talk about what sex therapy is and will be, especially with bringing my husband, Tim, in for support, but she also hasn’t tried to do any therapy. I have tried to communicate on two different occasions that I can’t just jump into sex therapy with Tim until I have been able to explore things I don’t even have words for right now, and each time she has redirected me back to understanding what couples’ sex therapy is. I haven’t received a response, but I just tried to communicate it again via email. It’s hard to believe someone can help you when they seem so rigid…or can’t understand what you are trying to say.

Here was my email, in summary (hopefully it was super clear): “”I’m losing sleep over this…I thought I was going to do some 1:1 work before Tim joined…I really feel like not exploring [an iceberg metaphor was used here] first will make couples therapy much harder and much more frustrating…Do you only do couples sex therapy? Is 1:1 therapy even a possibility?”

At first, I thought this therapist was just taking it slow because she was trying to build rapport with me, but I have since decided that she was just kind of killing time until Tim finished his intake. That is a totally different path than I was anticipating, and now I am backpedaling, trying to figure out how to get what I think I need… or am I just supposed to trust the process? Trust myself or the process? I don’t know. I have talked, rather sob syllabled, with Tim about it a few times. He talked with the person doing his intake about my concerns and how those are also now his concerns. The person doing his intake happens to be one of the people supervising my therapist. And I realized I wasn’t super keen on her either. I had witnessed her come out of a session with a child and speak with the child’s parent in the waiting room. Does she do that with everyone? Any chance she is just going to talk about my case with my therapist in the waiting room with all those people sitting there?

I’m trying to do so much for myself lately. Applying to school, attempting to set up a leadership team for soccer so I can step down, psychological testing so that maybe I can get some different help (after those tests, I am convinced I have a bad attention problem or Alzheimer’s), joining a gym, reaching out more to friends to try to hang out, etc. Yet, the more I try to do for myself, the sicker and more tired I feel. The more I try to do stuff to better myself, the more I feel depressed and hopeless. The more fear I experience. The more shame and embarrassment I feel. And as much as I try to be open and honest with Tim about those feelings, I still feel as though I am alone. Sure, I have a therapist, like I mentioned above, but she is a sex therapist. Even though I have seen her several times, I feel as though she doesn’t know me or hasn’t really tried to get to know me. I feel as though the things going on in my life are irrelevant in her 3rd story therapy room. I walk in there feeling anxious and depressed from sleepless nights and unresolved chaos, and I walk out of there frustrated and feeling misunderstood and impatient. I am hopeful things will change, but I am also fading quickly.

*This is a side note that is both comical to me and yet also seems quite true. Despite knowing 2 sex therapists personally and believing they are lovely people, I think sex therapists in general must be in serious need of counseling themselves to choose to do that for a living. I think I actually feel fearful that those therapists are actual sex addicts who are getting some sort of thrill from hearing about others’ sex lives or sex struggles. I know I am likely wrong, but that nagging feeling in the back of my brain makes it really hard to want to speak up about my own history with sex. And truthfully, my experience while trying to find a therapist did nothing to change my mind about any of that.

Anyway, it’s been a long 9 weeks (4 sessions), and I am just doing the best I can, which, right now, seems quite lame. I have been functioning at a seemingly normal or higher than normal level despite a lot of setbacks, and yet, I also feel as though I am barely surviving. Depression does that. Anxiety does that. Fear does that. Illness does that. Not being understood or heard does that. Feeling bogged down with indecisiveness and difficult situations does that. I am trying to trust the process, yet I wonder if it has failed me. Maybe I have to figure out a new process. Maybe I am trying to do too much too soon. Maybe I am not doing enough. Maybe I am letting fear win. Maybe that voice in my head is actually right, and everyone else is wrong. Or maybe that voice is wrong and everyone else is right. I don’t know. I just know that I could use a booming voice from the heavens to tell me exactly what is going on in my life. I feel more lost and more alone than I have felt in a very long time.